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12 reasons why I’m convinced that Cambridge is a social experiment

‘In case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight’


There are several times in my Cambridge career (that is, 14 weeks) where I’ve had a real Truman moment and looked for the camera. What makes it worse, I think at least, is that there is no camera: this is our reality.

Cambridge is simply a social experiment; we’re amongst some of the brightest minds, yet we’ve all been fooled into thinking this place is real. It simply is not.

Christmas music in Week 5 … of Lent

Week 5 is a tough one, but Mariah Carey in the club three weeks into February was a little shock to the system. Global warming must be severe: the time she takes to defrost shortens exponentially each year.

Maybe they intended to lift our spirits with a classic “It’ll soon be Christmas” or maybe they wanted to scare us into the reality of how fast this academic year is going already.

October? We’ll let you off. February? Um. (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @2Cam2Fess.)

Zero degrees of separation

Six degrees of separation. No, in Cambridge it’s max three. There’s simply no way everyone knows each other. There’s no way my friend from MML plays hockey with you, went to school with my college wife all whilst having dated someone that my home friend knows.

Despite not living in London, I feel that mentally I belong somewhere in the bubble.

One of the five 🙁 (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @2Cam2Fess.)

The Assassins’ Guild

First of all, the organisation itself. Second of all, the time when a King’s student broke into our staircase at 1am, suspiciously waited around and then proceeded to shoot my friend with a Nerf gun whilst he was hiding round the corner, as he mistook her for his victim.

It’s safe to say we’re traumatised from these antics.

It’s Cambridge time

Eight weeks. The longest eight weeks of your life, yet we’re somehow in Week 7 of Lent already? Time flies when you’re having fun (?) I guess.

Eight weeks. The longest eight weeks of your life, yet we’re somehow in Week 7 of Lent already? Time flies when you’re having fun (?) I guess.

Showing up to a 9am supo at 9.01am = we’ve been through everyone’s essays already, and by the way yours is the worst.

The scenes of my 9am class at 8:59am (Image credit: author’s own.)

The Infamous UL

University library or airport security? I can’t say I’ve ventured here yet, but its very existence alone is fearfUL.

Was it its questionable appearance, the rumour that one of the towers contains porn, or the fact that people actually get work done there and don’t visit it on a day trip that put it on this list?

Oh we did (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @2Cam2Fess.)

Room Ballot Season

A serious time in the academic year. Whilst friends at other unis safely sorted out houses for next year in October, it’s now our turn. Anxiously waiting for your slot to arrive, seeing if you’ll firm a decent room, the JCR’S looking comfy?

All this to get into a new accommodation labelled as a ‘uni house’, but really it’s just glorified halls. Here we go again. And to think, the ballot was in order of academic performance in the olden days.

Corpus even has its own blog, everything is an event here.

Riding the Lolacoaster

The saying in itself says it all.

A magical place that transcends space and time, somewhere you have to venture to during a lolalo point in your life, containing everyone you want to see and simultaneously everyone you don’t want to see. The queue, the music, the regulars, the crowd surges, the lack of an official cloakroom. This place owns this list.

It’s simply modern lexicon (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @2Cam2Fess.)

Dangerspoons

The two famous institutions of Spoons and Maccies undergo a radical identity change at the weekend. The mix of the townies and students make it quite the experience.

And to the person who stole my Nike jumper from spoons during Week 1, please can I have it back?

2:12am – Sunday morning… (Image credit: author’s own photo.)

Silly C-Sunday

Whilst I haven’t had my C-Sunday virginity taken yet, the stories I’ve heard from it suffice.

The papers gagging to defame Cambridge students for being normal students also makes me laugh – how dare these youths enjoy their university days! This is perhaps the time when there is actually a camera about, but at least you’ll make the Daily Mail right?

The queue of all queues

Finessing a queue jump at Jack’s could never save me more. Don’t get me wrong, as an avid fan I would definitely queue and have queued, but there is no way it is always that long. Why am I having to queue at 10:30pm on a Tuesday for an ice cream during February?

Sorry to the people in the line – you’re simply NPCs.

We queue for the staff (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @2Cam2Fess.)

Corpus Clock Gate

A very recent addition to the list. Someone out there acted on their intrusive thoughts and smashed the glass of the Corpus Clock. Don’t worry though, it’s still ticking away and can be heard from within the Taylor Library (believe me, we know).

The clock is like a sibling: we’ll make fun of it as much as we want, but when somebody else physically comes for it, best believe we will be up in arms.

Smashed it (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @ThePelikind.)

Big Brother

You got into Cambridge to find out that the little coloured stripes on your CamCard mean some places within this institution are off bound, guarded by the infamous porters.

You escape your parents to finally be free to do as you wish at uni until a knock knock on the door means you’ve been caught speaking at 11:01pm. And God forbid there be anyone from another college there too. It’s as if they leave no other choice but collegecest…

A niche experience to say the least (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via @2Cam2Fess.)

And what if this article is all just part of the big set up?