From snazzy to sickening: A definitive guide to the best and worst toilets on York’s campus

I would rather accept my fate than take a dump in the Derwent toilets

It’s fair to say that the range of toilets across campus is varied and everyone definitely has their favourite. You may not think it matters where you do your business, but some of these toilets are definitely not worth a visit. So brace yourself for the ranking you’ve all been waiting for because I’m here to tell you where is the best place to spend ten minutes scrolling through TikTok. 

Spring Lane: 9.5/10

Who doesn’t love Spring Lane? Their toilets in particular are so aesthetic, they’re neat and modern. The corridor of cubicles is never ending, meaning you’ll never have to queue. Their gender-neutral ground-floor bathrooms give them extra brownie points.

Spring Lane’s toilets must be south facing because that sunlight hits me every time. This can be deceiving though, as it always seems to be sunny looking out of this window, when really it’s minus temperatures. 

Cubicle space, however, is where Spring Lane loses points. Although clean and new, their cubicle space can be a problem, especially when you have tried getting changed in them straight from studying to a night out. The next day you wake up with bruises in places you didn’t realise were possible.

Vanbrugh: 2/10

Vanbrugh toilets are average. They serve their purpose, no more, no less, but they do have their drawbacks. The female toilet door opens out into a study space, so you feel kind of awkward nipping to the loo when someone is sat right next to the door.

Don’t get me started on Vanbrugh’s soap dispensers. That’s all that needs to be said. Who places the soap dispenser in line with the tap? Try all you will, you are not getting soap out of them unless you fancy injuring your hand in the process. It’s as if Vanbrugh doesn’t want us to wash our hands.

Their full-length mirrors are AMAZING though and are perfect for final checks before legging it to the bus into town. 

Church Lane: 9/10

Their full-length mirrors are AMAZING though and are perfect for final checks before legging it to the bus into town. 

Church Lane: 9/10

Church Lane is only a year-old building, so you can imagine how modern these toilets are. Let’s just appreciate this picture. This must be the cleanest cubicle there is on campus. Basic but perfect. I feel like a business woman in this building. No complaints.

A special feature has got to be these mirrors. They’re beautiful, or maybe that’s the person standing in them. (I’m joking dw.) They trick my mind into thinking I look a 10/10 after spending five hours studying.

Where Church Lane loses a point is with its hand dryers. Could somebody please explain why they are positioned right next to the door? The number of times I have been peacefully drying my hands when someone walks in and I am awkwardly facing them like a weirdo. Please change that thanks x

The library: 2/10

That was not committed by myself please don't come for me

I am really disappointed with this one. I feel like this picture does enough explaining of the library ground-floor toilets. 

That was not committed by myself please don’t come for me.

As you head up to the first floor, Morell and Fairhurst, it only gets worse. You are greeted with the most vile stench, and left with the smell of gone-off soap on your hands. Plus I have never not queued up for the library toilet, they need more than two cubicles for such a busy space.

What doesn’t make sense is the library’s top floor Morell toilet. Tell me why the top floor gets a luxury cubicle, in its own room, which does not have that horrible smell? Even though there is only one cubicle, it never seems to have a queue. That top floor is luxury.

Derwent: -1,000,000/10

Now time for the toilet I have been dreading. It seems no surprise that it’s Derwent who has the worst toilet across both campuses. 

The first time I came across these toilets, I genuinely thought they had been shut down and were no longer in use. But no, that’s just their “aesthetic”. I no longer need to experience what prison is like, I already experienced it in this loo.

There are just too many questions. Why the bars on the windows? Why is there no toilet roll holder? Instead, you are left with a soggy bit of tissue on a (what feels like) century-old toilet.

Sad to say, it gets worse. There are showers inside this room. I pray for people that they have never had to shower in a Derwent toilet. They are not even in a separate room, nor have a curtain for privacy.

These toilets were either built when the uni was, or they had no budget left for this one.

Piazza: 10/10

I have no complaints about the toilets in Piazza. There are toilet signs everywhere you look. Modern, clean and spacious, what more could you want?

Related stories recommended by this writer:

Meet the York student who has written her dissertation on EastEnders

I got drunk at every bar on York’s campus and here’s what I learned