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Eight things in my £9k Hatfield room that would put my non-Durham friends in a coma

Nothing can prepare you for finding a cockroach in your cereal bowl


Graphic images ahead

It won’t have escaped your notice that Durham has upped the prices of its accommodation 10.3 per cent for next year. Now, a standard bedroom with a shared bathroom, regardless of location, will cost unsuspecting freshers an eye-watering £9156.

This news came as an especially nasty shock to me, because my first year room didn’t exactly scream luxury. Here’s eight quirky things about it that need to be fixed before someone is charged over nine grand to stay there.

1. The cockroaches

Okay, when I said everyone was welcome at pres, I didn’t mean EVERYONE! Not to discriminate, but cockroaches can literally give you cholera. What’s even more worrying is that they were found in the building where food for the entire college was cooked. Unlucky fresh.

2. The black mould

Another red flag health wise was the black mould that covered the bathroom from head to toe, which led to my flat mate actually getting diagnosed with asthma. Even without the health risks, it was just miserable reaching for my Head and Shoulders and getting a fingernail full of fur.

3. The door handle that hates hands

This door handle was the bane of my life. It fell off so much, we just ended up leaving it on the floor – which meant we couldn’t lock the door. No wonder everything including my dignity kept getting nicked.

4. The green tap water

Picture this: you’ve just moved in to your new uni halls in Freshers’ Week. You’re excited to head to Klute and you’re overwhelmed by all the unpacking. You choose a simple refreshment: some tap water. It’s green, and will remain green for the next few weeks. Are you drinking it?

5. The stalagmites in the fridge

Can any STEM student please tell me what on earth was going on in my fridge that made these icy phalluses start to form? And can anyone else explain why all my male flatmates kept saying it was four inches and therefore huge?

6. The window that never shuts

Poor Ringo had to deal with the mother of all drafts all of first term. Luckily, there was an unused door handle lying about, which we managed to wedge into the window to keep it shut.

7. The dismal shower pressure

The morning after a night in the hell pit that is Wednesday Babs was wiring enough, but nothing rattled fresher me more than having to stand under this shower for more than 20 mins just to get my hair wet. I eventually took it as a sign to stop showering altogether.

Joking, obviously. That’s gross, but icl, the temptation was there.

8. The human faeces

Need I say more?

A Durham University spokesperson said: “We are investing £120m over a ten-year refurbishment programme to improve the quality of our college accommodation.

“We respond to concerns raised by students as soon as possible, and would encourage any student who observes a defect in the University estate to report this, to their college or department.”

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