Chilly’s or crusty Lucozade bottle? This is what your water vessel says about you

You never know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes, or guzzle from their Gymshark plastic 3 litre bottle

Water bottles are a university essential, basically the only way you can ensure your water is safe to drink. Glasses are a safety hazard and pretty much non-existent in a uni flat or student house. When they do appear, they are always covered in grubby thumb prints and lipstick stains.

We know you sit in the ASS judging your peers when you can’t do your work, so why not take your analysis of their character to the next level?

They may seem insignificant, but water bottles can tell life stories.

Water bottle with a straw in it

To an innocent passer-by, they may look like a functional and hydrated WHSmith baddie with a slick bottle, and a thirst for knowledge, excuse the pun. But what only those close to them know, is that this bottle facilitates their lazy stoner behaviour.

Behind closed doors, they are suckling on that straw whilst lying horizontal in bed watching You or playing The Sims. They don’t even have to sit up to hydrate. Until one of their sims pisses themselves and they can’t contain their euphoria. Twisted fool.

The stolen water bottle

They think we don’t see them but we do. A six foot three unshaven bloke with a beanie on, going out for cig breaks every 10 minutes, that looks like he’s fallen out of the 70s with an ombre blue Chilly’s coffee flask. Sure. Some poor fresher is ringing her mum holding back the tears looking for that matte aquamarine beauty she got as a gift for getting into Bristol Uni to study classics. Get some morals.

The three-litre gym bottle

Probably the most cursed of all the bottles. I don’t mean to profile, but these horrific men take themselves incredibly seriously.

When they are not in the indoor fitness centre they are lugging this translucent screw top monster bottle around to let everyone know that they have, in fact, just been in the indoor fitness centre. No one cares. Just get a normal sized bottle and fill it up rather than heaving that tepid liquid around with you that you haven’t filled up since last Tuesday.

The joke water bottle

This is a lot of students these days. You can’t fault these guys. They have invested in a functional water bottle for hot and cold beverages on the go. The best way of judging this group is to identify the colour of their flask and go from there.

An ugly block colour such as a maroon or a navy blue is a sure sign that they purely want the water bottle for functional reasons, and this can mean only one thing. They are a major neek. They don’t care that it’s the worst colour to ever exist, that bottle is purely there to give them that sweet chilled water for the starred first that’s so close in their grasp they can almost taste it.

A nicer colour, maybe a pastel tone, or an ombre or a pattern: they care about their aesthetic. Probably wearing perfectly fitted cargo trousers and their hair in a slick bun. Most likely procrastinating on their phone planning their next Instagram dump captioned ‘Spring is coming’ with a fairy emoji and a cheeky, ditsy, funny slide at the end.

By the way, anyone getting the train from Bristol to Plymouth, please keep an eye out for a rainbow ombre Chilly’s flask.

Unbranded flask

Crunchy childhood. They asked their mum for a Chilly’s for Christmas but no dice. They are stuck with an Ikea guy that doesn’t look fancy but, as their mum reminded them, works just the same. Awkward and self aware, just like their unattractive bottle. The rahs at Bristol were a bit of a culture shock for this guy who just wanted to have fun in intramural hockey.

A plastic bottle

They are a meal deal warrior and think it’s fine to simply sip on a Lucozade or Evian bottle day to day. They don’t really see the point in having a frivolous flask. They are simply biding their time before disaster strikes.

It starts with a soft trickle of cold water; then the bag is emptied, quick as a flash. Wet receipts get thrown around the gaff, the laptop is hurriedly wiped and maybe even placed under the dryer before they question whether this will fry it and break it. Buy a water bottle. Stop this single-use plastic nonsense, fool.

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