We asked and you delivered: Here are Lancaster students’ dating horror stories

‘He licked my teeth’

According to statistics, around 20% of British students will meet the love of their life whilst studying at a university. Can you imagine meeting the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with on a Friday in Sugar? In Sultans (probably on the way home from said Friday in Sugar)? By Norma in the Library? Perhaps the Sugar Mouse is destined to be your soul mate? Well apparently 1 in 5 of us will find our true love right here in Lancs.

During the search for love, it can be a bit of a hazard for some people, and these horror stories provide trauma for those involved, but great entertainment for the rest of us onlookers. We asked and you delivered: if you can stomach it, here are the very worst dating horror stories from Lancaster.

After 2 dates he pulled the ‘What are we? I can’t believe you’re seeing other people’

Maybe it was love at first sight for him, and he was absolutely gutted you didn’t feel the same, but after two dates, this feels like an immediate red flag. We know people can develop feelings fast, yet expecting the other person to match the feelings you show so quickly feels like a high expectation that not a lot of people should have at uni.

‘When he stole my bird’

Not even sure how to respond to this one. What kind of bird was it? Did you at least get the bird back? So confused: we need answers.

‘Telling me he had to cook his flatmates dinner halfway through sex so he could leave’ 

Again, this one is horrible: surely it would be easier to make up something different than cooking dinner? Literally, anything would’ve been a better excuse than that. Or even just be upfront about the fact that you want to leave! Honesty is better than lying – trust us.

‘I told him I went to an all-girls religious school and some girls were lesbian, and he responded with that it sounded like porn’

We really, really hope you just ran away at that point. Misogyny sadly never fails to provide entertainment.

‘Meeting someone on Tinder, ghosting them, and then seeing them almost every day around campus and in the library’

We can almost guarantee in cases like these you rarely ever see them around Lancaster before you ghost them. Then, surprise surprise, the day after they’re everywhere. Behind you on the 100. In the Greggs queue. At the bar in Sugar. Even sitting next to you in the library, they’re unmissable. Haunting you, ironically, like a ghost.

Now, a special mention to a few dating-app one-liners that will make you cringe and will never be able to unhear. Please never start conversations like this ever again. Sincerely, everyone xx

‘Our kids would have a right feast on those…’

Yep. They were talking about EXACTLY what you’re thinking about. Why, why, why was that your go-to when trying to start talking with someone? Why? Mentioning kids as well just exaggerates the horror story. What went through your head?

‘I’ll rail the living daylight out of you’

Could you start with a ‘Hi, how are you?’ next time? PLEASE. For the sanity of everyone on this campus, and on Tinder in general. Please, we’re begging you.

In response to a date about going for ice cream: ‘Would rather you lick something else?’

Not sure how you believed that would ever work? AND you ruined a wholesome invitation for ice cream. Blocked, ghosted and everything in between. Next time, think before you speak – we promise it will work wonders.

‘Honestly I’d let you pee in my mouth and I’m not even into that’