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If you wear any of these five items on BU’s campus then you need to sort yourself out

Anyone wearing Sidemen merch is an actual blight on humanity


There are a multitude of blunders that you can make when deciding on your outfit for uni in the morning, or afternoon if, like most of us, you avoid getting up before 1pm most of the time. But, fear not! Our bona fide style experts have compiled a list to guide you through the daunting task of getting dressed, because clearly some of you need desperate help. Here are five clothing items that you should absolutely avoid wearing on campus:

Trapstar (all)

Am I missing something? Is this an elaborate joke? Are the roadmen all significantly more self-aware than I originally thought? No. At least, I highly doubt it. I think it’s simply another brick in the wall of questionable fashion choices the mandem have made over the years. It seems that annually there’s a new brand of skinny distressed biker jeans that becomes a temporary status symbol for those who are “active”.

I think, however, that Trapstar goes above and beyond the humble Nike Tech tracksuit in terms of the second-hand embarrassment you feel when looking at someone wearing it. Let’s start with the clothes themselves. Trapstar’s catalogue appears to consist of a combination of boring tracksuits at best, and unforgivable paint-spattered ripped jeans at worst. These abominations would’ve turned heads even in the 2012 Chief Keef-inspired white boy hypebeast era. I apologise that none of the words in that sentence were in the bible, you just had to be there.

Crimes against denim aside, Trapstar also offer a wide selection of equally tasteless coats, hoodies, hats and t-shirts. This tastelessness stems from their horrendous logo. It’s somehow both uninspired and inexplicably busy, proclaiming that the user is a “star of the trap”. This is the nail in the coffin for me. Trapstar’s target demographic are not trapping on the low, nor are they moving weight, nor are they shotting loud. They hang around outside Asda on electric scooters. What Trapstar Troopers seem to forget is that BU doesn’t offer a drug dealing course.

True Religion jeans

Yes, I know I am a big fan of True Religion jeans, and you’re probably asking the question: “If you like them so much, why are you putting them on this list? Did you lie to us about being a fashion icon and style expert?” The short answer, my friends, is no. The thing is, I wear True Religion jeans in a much cooler, stylish and self aware way than your average Truey rocker on the campus streets.

If you asked them who Chief Keef was, where O-Block is, or what their favourite Chicago drill song is, they would stare at you blankly, perhaps offering something like, “Ain’t drill from London?” as a response. This blatant ignorance to the culture and humble origins of the Truey is quite frankly embarrassing, and should not be taken lightly.

I propose some kind of entrance exam for True Religion jeans, akin to the “Name three songs” test for anyone wearing one of those Nirvana shirts. Something easy like, “Name three members of Haunted Mound”, or “How old was Chief Keef when he revolutionised the rap game?” Failure to answer these simple questions should result in an immediate removal of the jeans, and possibly even a small fine. If you don’t think you could answer those questions, then maybe just leave the Trueys to those of us who know what we’re talking about.

Trenchcoats

Sure, they’re warm, but surely there’s an alternative that provides a similar amount of coziness without the unfortunate side effect of making you look like a twenty-something Londoner who moved to Salisbury because they couldn’t afford to live in London due to their dead-end office job and skyrocketing house prices.

Was that too specific? Probably not, I’m sure you got the picture. Anyway, the trenchcoat just reeks of trust fund (figuratively) and cigarettes (literally) most of the time, and there are very few people on campus who style it correctly without committing some kind of embarrassing stereotype or faux pas. Let’s get something clear though, there’s nothing inherently wrong with the trenchcoat; it’s practical, it’s warm, it can help a lot with layering in an outfit, but a lot of people can be seen on campus squandering its true potential.

I propose some kind of entrance exam for True Religion jeans, akin to the “Name three songs” test for anyone wearing one of those Nirvana shirts. Something easy like, “Name three members of Haunted Mound”, or “How old was Chief Keef when he revolutionised the rap game?” Failure to answer these simple questions should result in an immediate removal of the jeans, and possibly even a small fine. If you don’t think you could answer those questions, then maybe just leave the Trueys to those of us who know what we’re talking about.

Trenchcoats

Sure, they’re warm, but surely there’s an alternative that provides a similar amount of coziness without the unfortunate side effect of making you look like a twenty-something Londoner who moved to Salisbury because they couldn’t afford to live in London due to their dead-end office job and skyrocketing house prices.

Was that too specific? Probably not, I’m sure you got the picture. Anyway, the trenchcoat just reeks of trust fund (figuratively) and cigarettes (literally) most of the time, and there are very few people on campus who style it correctly without committing some kind of embarrassing stereotype or faux pas. Let’s get something clear though, there’s nothing inherently wrong with the trenchcoat; it’s practical, it’s warm, it can help a lot with layering in an outfit, but a lot of people can be seen on campus squandering its true potential.

Sidemen merch

I’ve changed my mind. I saw someone over the age of 10 wearing Sidemen merch and realised that these people NEED me. They’re lost. They leave the house not knowing the mistakes that they have made. However, in this specific case, I believe not even I can help, and here’s why. There are a very specific set of conditions that have to be met before someone buys a piece of Sidemen merch, all of which are questionable at best.

Condition one: You must watch the Sidemen

This is embarrassing enough as it is, because why are you (an adult) still entertained by a group whose target audience isn’t old enough to legally buy a can of Red Bull? This suggests a certain level of mental immaturity that goes a long way in explaining their fashion decisions down the line.

Condition two: You must have a job, or rich parents

While the Sidemen don’t quite fall into the “obscene” category of YouTuber merch pricing, this stuff isn’t exactly cheap either. So you have two options. Either use a large chunk of your hard-earned month’s wages to cop that awesome XIX tracksuit. Or, you convince Mummy and Daddy to float you some pseudo-unemployment benefits without telling them what you intend to spend it on. Equally embarrassing situations.

Condition three: You have to have friends with no taste, or be immune to peer pressure

No right-thinking friend would want to be seen with someone wearing Sidemen merch, so they would likely do anything in their power to stop you from buying it. However, if you’re in a group of friends who aren’t exactly right-thinking, the dope SDMN snapback might be copped without protest from the group chat. Alternatively, you could just ignore your friends’ pleas and buy it anyway. Peer pressure immunity is a good trait to have, just not in this case. It’s a shame you can’t really turn that type of thing on and off.

This is why I don’t believe the Sidemen merch wearers can be helped, especially not by the likes of me. They’re either incredibly immature, or don’t listen to what anyone tells them. Oh well. It’s their loss.

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