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The seven types of people you’ll meet in Cripps Hall

The good, the bad, and the ugly: Your guide to Cripps

Anyone who has graced the hallowed halls of Cripps Hall is aware of the caliber of its residents. Indeed, the escapades of the Cripps lot run rampant throughout the corridors of Portland, escaping campus to spill into the streets of Lenton. While letting their reputation speak for itself, it’s important not to assume a singular variety of Cripps student exists. In fact, the accommodation itself is a diverse cultural landscape, with some of its residents hailing from even beyond Birmingham *shudders in Surrey*. Let this be your guide to navigating the Cripps residents.

The ex-private school student

When you think of Cripps, images of Harry Potter-style dining halls, Wisteria-adorned buildings, and private schools come to mind. Indeed, Cripps resembles the Surrey of Notts, a sanctuary of white linen trousers and Longchamp bags: an oasis of ski chalets and second homes. Identifying a Cripps private school attendee is relatively easy; just listen for the occasional ‘rah’ or ‘rogue’ and observe the signet rings and black North Face jackets. These individuals can often be spotted on the Crisis balcony or the Sheaves benches, easy to locate from the beacon of dyed blonde hair. While anything north of the M25 might terrify them, they will always hold your hair back in the Crisis loos and are excellent at finding stray baccy.

The gap yah girl

The gap yah girl is often mistaken for the private school girl, and while the two coexist, there are certain key differences between them. The gap yah girl, for example, won’t let you take a breath without a ‘namaste.’ While she may have found herself in Bali, she’s remarkably good at losing herself on her way back from the Unit toilets. In between ‘Eating, Praying, and Loving,’ these girls possess legendary culinary skills with the microwave (especially when the monotony of week 6 dining hall pork chops becomes too much). They’re a breed apart when it comes to that 30-minute post-club trek back to campus, wearing nothing but battered Air Forces, claiming it’s nothing compared to that one mountain in Costa Rica.

The Halls Ghost

The Halls Ghost

The Nottingham rugby lad, otherwise known as an UNRUC (University of Nottingham Rugby Union) boy, a truly unique species, is a curious breed, especially when we’re talking about the Cripps UNRUC boy. In between searching for excuse to get naked in front of everyone, and gagging for people to tell them to chop a pint, these boys tend to accumulate in groups on the Crisis balcony or covered in mud after another BUCS Wednesday. But despite all the slander they endure, these boys are teddy bears at heart. They’re the life of the party on a night out, partly because you can’t help but notice the flock of blondes that seem to trail behind them wherever they go.

The token Northerner

Believe it or not, Cripps is also home to people that didn’t realise its reputation when they applied. The token Northerner for one seemed blissfully unaware of this fact, Nottingham being practically South for them. These humble folk will always be up for a cup of tea, providing it’s Yorkshire. Despite being unaware of Cripps’ rep, this lovely lot can soothe even the harshest of stereotypes with a simple ‘ayup’ faster than you can say “scone” or “scone”.

The one who peaked in secondary school

Last but not least, we have the straight-from-school goer. Now, most ‘Crippers’ are absolute angels, but every batch has its odd one or two who missed the memo that we left secondary school ages ago. They’re a blast on a night out, mainly because of their superhuman stamina and their ability to chop any type of liquor like it’s their calling in life. However, some haven’t quite grasped the concept that Mummy and Daddy aren’t here anymore to clean up after them. They also have a knack for unintentionally stoking arguments, calls of just leave it falling on deaf ears. It’s like they never left the playground, but hey, at least they keep things interesting

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