A deep dive into Durham’s most disgusting yet devious eating habits

Im a hungry fresher, get me out of here

With a successful fresh start to term underway, it’s time to see how much of your first year silly fresh behaviour has continued into second year. Let’s dive into student eating habits as much as you dive into your crusty freezer.

1. Catered college food

After a few weeks in catered students are no doubt feeling weak. In theory, you should be well fed but you are actually some of the most famished people in Durham. Every night’s mealtime is the equivalent of the default serving of rice and beans when you failed the challenges on I’m a Celeb, and you do in fact want to get out of the dining hall and order Uber Eats.

PSA: If you reside in Chad’s, judging by the smell coming from your kitchen windows either every day is fishy Friday or none of you know how to use a shower.

2. Self catered college food

If you opted for a self catered college on the hill, then your food intake is nil. It would probably be quicker to harvest your own plants and breed cattle in the Jobo fields than walk back from Tesco with a bag of shopping. It’s a good job the college bars supply food so you don’t completely waste away. Enjoy the privileges of Van Mildert toastie bar while they last.

Self catered does not mean self-sufficient. Whether this be the consumption of medium rare chicken or porridge served with chilli con carne, student life is nothing but a bit of con-carnage.

3. Leftover takeaway

Nothing is more appetising than a tempting takeaway in the mornings, and this is classed as efficient meal prep as far as I’m concerned. Follow the scent of your cheesy chips and garlic sauce for your daily dose of quality nutrition, that’s if you can find it amongst the plethora of takeaway boxes on your kitchen surfaces.

4. Sneaking into a catered college

This is the most acceptable form of trespassing. Treat the campus as an all-inclusive holiday resort and reward yourself to that buffet. You could even plan a luxurious date to a dining dining hall on the bailey for a serving of nightly caviar, or raid their pantries for a surplus of Lurpack and the entire stock of Waitrose.

For legal reasons, do not try this at home.

5. Greggs

You take the four for three sausage roll deal and run with it (having paid this time). Although you have spent your entire maintenance loan here the free roll makes this deal seem more financially feasible. This works during the day but when the hunger hits at night, the only logical option is to hit up town and consume an equivalent hearty meal that will have you in a food coma for days and avoids the need for a food shop. Classic procasinATEtion.

6. Free food vans

The true academic weaponry of your Billy B trip is securing the free coffee and pizza slice. Is this worth the constant spam of emails? Absolutely. What’s the issue with getting bombarded with leaflets and free merch if it avoids a trip to the hell on earth that is Tesco Express?

7. Air fryer cuisine

Who needs a full set of kitchen appliances when one plug socket is all that is needed. You are a one-man band and belong on Master Chef. Bonus points if the air fryer hasn’t been cleaned in a while so your McCains have a new exotic flavour every time. If the plate is beige, it takes the stage.

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