Big Cheese and bigger egos: The red flags haunting Edinburgh Uni’s men

‘Yah, it’s fine, I didn’t want to go to Oxford anyways’

Studying at the University of Edinburgh can come with a lot of stereotypes. Riding ponies on the weekend, maxing out daddy’s credit card, and looking down at the lowly individual who shops at the L.I.D.L (?)

In fact, a lot of people would say just studying at Edi Uni is a red flag. Whilst most of these claims are rubbish, Edinburgh has its fair share of interesting characters, and the men are no exception. For your safety (and maybe entertainment) I’ve compiled a possibly controversial list.

Use it against a crush, use it against a friend, or even use it as a bit of self-reflection- but the rules are the rules….three strikes and you’re out.

1. Goes to Big Cheese over the age of 18

Tell me you peaked at the year six disco without telling me you peaked at the year six disco. I love ABBA and cheap drinks as much as the next person, but there is a time and a place and that time and place is NOT fouth year in Big Cheese.

Try the newly revamped Rascals Thursday instead x

It’s giving dad who believes he’s ‘down with the kids’, it’s giving uncle who wants to ‘relive his youth’. It’s not giving respectable academic-weapon who has a dissertation meeting on Monday.

 2. Wears a gilet

I am no fashion connoisseur but ladies – if you spot a man at 50 George Square wearing a gilet, you need to run. The gilet wearer thinks they’ve sacrificed warmth for style but in reality, they’ve sacrificed integrity for weird looks.

Just be comfy and happy, wearing a full winter coat will probably do you some good in the Edinburgh winter.

3. Can’t understand that not everyone’s parents’ pay their rent

I can picture how many of you rolled your eyes but hear me out. There’s nothing wrong with a little financial support from your parents but it’s the ignorance from a certain type of non-rent payers in Edi that get on my nerves.

I’m sick of hearing “Why do you have a job in term time?” and “Wait…so your parents DON’T help you out??” Believe it or not, there is a world out there where people have to use their student loans to pay rent…crazy right??

4. Strictly studies on the ground floor

The classic ground floor dweller feels accomplished after a 30-minute trip to the library where at least 20 minutes were spent looking for a seat.

If you study here, you strike me as the lazy, non-adventurous type and no, wearing a thrifted sweater and cargos will not make up for it. Have you ever heard anyone say their ‘Matchmaking Monday’ crush is the ‘fit lad on the ground floor’? No. And to tell you the truth, there’s probably good reason for it.

Spend some time in the Law Library please x

5. They’re Oxbridge rejects

An Oxbridge reject’s red flag is not the fact they were rejected from Oxbridge, it’s the fact they won’t shut up about how they were rejected from Oxbridge.

From one reject to another, it must be said – no girl wants to hear how hard or unfair your Cambridge interview was. It will not give you sympathy and in fact, by the time you stop moaning about it she’ll probably wish you had got into Oxbridge too. Dust yourself off the ground and stop pretending that your acceptance letter got lost in the mail.

6. Refuses to get a Young Scot card

It’s time to give the English nationalism a rest. Free travel and a 10 per cent discount at Scotmid? You’re either lazy, an English loyalist, or straight-up crazy (although these are not mutually exclusive) if you refuse to get a Young Scot card.

Lads, I assure you, no one will forget you’re from Surrey just because you own a Young Scot card. Join the rest of us on the free travel grind, I promise, one trip to Surgeon Hall’s bus stop will change your life.

7. Exclusively wears school merch

Econ lads, I’m looking at you. Have a crush on someone who wears their course’s merch religiously? I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but they won’t be able to give you the love you deserve and that’s because they’re in a committed long-term delusionship with their school.

Take it OFF.

Rest assured, you’ve dodged a bullet. The Royal Dick Vet hoodie you could’ve stolen from a sneaky link looks so much better shoved at the very back of their wardrobe.

8. Fights for their life in every tutorial

There is something terrifying about a man who won’t shut up in his tutorials. Yes, we may be at Edinburgh, the university that basically screams “I’m in need of academic validation” but there’s always one guy who takes it too far.

I’m talking one minute into the tutorial and he’s already correcting the tutor about the name of this week’s lecture.  Am I projecting because I feel outsmarted? Yes. Will I turn this into a red flag anyway? Also yes.

9. Is or was in Pollock Halls

I bet you were waiting for this one. I’ve tried to be sympathetic, I’ve tried to see past the stereotype but alas – you can take a guy out of Pollock but you can never take the Pollock out of a guy.

An actual Pollock boy meal.

Pollock and former-Pollock guys are the type to invite you around for a bespoke home cooked meal, only to serve you pot noodles… but then again they’re also the type to give you their signet ring after the first date. Guys who give mixed signals and don’t know how to cook: anyone else’s cup of tea?

10. Studies economics

Oxbridge rejects, exclusively wears the merch from their school, former Pollock boys

I might as well not sugar-coat it. Econ boys, you are my nightmare. You probably have the stock market as your phone background and I bet you pounce anytime you hear the question “but why can’t we print more money?” Look, I know you probably mean well but no one wants an NFT as a birthday present.

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