Skinny scarves and Salisbury Court: The red flags haunting Edinburgh Uni’s girls

Did you think the girls were safe?

I’m going to start this article off by letting you all know that it is a lot easier to write a list of red flags in Edinburgh University boys than it is in the girls, but it had to be done.

As always, use it against a crush, use it against a friend, or even as a bit of self-reflection, but the rules are the rules….three strikes and you’re out.

1. Is a skinny scarf and Longchamp bag defender

I fear I’m about to be in the bad graces of everyone currently sitting in the Meadows, but it has to be said. The skinny scarf, Longchamp bag duo is arguably the most glaring Edinburgh girl red flag.

These girlies get dressed in the morning listening to their “Main Character Energy” playlist only to step outside and see the exact same outfit on 10 different people. They would easily substitute a night out for a night in the library so their grades are good (they’re first years and grades don’t count). Their main source of fun is going to a coffee shop in Stockbridge, getting high on the aromas of their oat milk chai lattes before tucking into bed at nine pm ready for another wild day of scarf-wearing and bag-holding.

no face no case

2. Is a ‘Daddy’s money’ girl

Know the type? This girl puts employed on her tax forms when she sells about two things on Vinted each month. She had a job for about two weeks until she quit once she found out working entails….working.

She believes that Gossip Girl is an accurate telling of student life and has her dad on speed dial anytime her bank sum goes below four digits. Want to go to dinner but on a tight budget? Not to worry, she’ll suggest a budget-friendly trip to The Ivy on The Square. Inflation? Cost-of-living Crisis? Are those the names of new menu items??

3. Is part of the Taylor Swift society

I would like to preface this one by saying I am a massive Swiftie. This is not a pick-me rant against girls who like Taylor Swift but more so my way of admitting I am terrified of anyone who has that level of dedication to a celebrity.

Granted, I’ve never been to a Taylor Swift Soc event but that might just be because I am afraid to do so. You all give off the vibes of someone who could track down an ex with nothing more than a blood type. Insane, but I may have to give you a call one day.

4. Is always at WhyNot

A girl who is always at WhyNot is the equivalent to a man who is always at Big Cheese. Although it doesn’t have as weird a vibe to it, a WhyNot girl is scary for many reasons.

Number one: How on earth do you have that much money in your bank account? One night out to Filthy Friday and I’m already making extensive cuts to next week’s budget.

Number two: How do you have that many clubbing outfits? Girls at WhyNot always look like they’ve walked out of Love Island with a PLT sponsorship and I just can’t comprehend that level of dedication. Nonetheless, I respect the grind.

Number three: How do you tolerate the men? A WhyNot girl’s biggest red flag is the fact she can stand to be in the presence of WhyNot men.

5. Has pulled someone at Big Cheese

I feel like this one needs no explanation but of course, I will give you one. We’ve already clarified that men at Big Cheese are the problem, however, by getting with these men, you’re only perpetuating the issue. Even ignoring the type of people at Big Cheese, getting with someone there feels illegal. It quite literally holds the same energy as getting it on at a school disco. How exactly are you meant to walk into Potterow the next day with the intention of writing a 3,000 word essay knowing, that less than 24 hours ago, this was the exact spot where you committed a felony?

I accuse none of these girls of the sort, by the way

6. Is a UoE Law Girly

If a girl has “UOE Law School” in her bio, lads, I’ll spare you the drama and tell you to block her. Law girlies have an air of pretentiousness about them.

They’ll look down at the lowly commoner who uses the main campus library, won’t have time to interact with anyone who doesn’t have lectures at Old College but will have time to let you know how incredibly competitive it was to get into their course. Argue with me if you want – you’ve probably already told me how good you are at that too.

7. Lives in Marchmont

Pfttt I’m not projecting because I wish I had your big windows, high ceilings, and beautiful fireplaces…

A Marchmont girly is a red flag because she has had everything handed to her on a silver platter. Views of the Meadows, walking distance to central campus, a presumably stable income if she can afford a flat in such a bougie area. I bet the average Marchmont girly has never had to witness mice scurrying around her flat at 12am or had to send 10 consecutive emails to her landlord to fix the broken furniture in her “newly furnished student flat”.

On second thoughts maybe I am simply projecting.

7. Has a crush on their tutor/professor

Tell me you have an unhealthy desire for academic validation without telling me you have an unhealthy desire for academic validation.

Listen, I understand having unattainable crushes just as much as the next girl. I was raised on Wattpad and Twilight fanfiction too – but there is a line and that line is your tutors and professors. I get that lectures can be boring, but there is no excuse to start stalking your professor’s LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook.

(Bonus points if you can find their Spotify though, that is impressive).

9. Lives at Salisbury Court

You’ve all heard about the infamous Pollock man, but allow me to introduce you to the lesser-known Salisbury girl.

The classic Salisbury girl cannot fathom a world without an ensuite. You can almost guarantee she has dirty blonde box-dyed hair and her outfits have been freshly purchased from Armstrongs – strictly the one on Cockburn Street so she can treat herself to some crystals in the shop next door.

Unlike the Pollock man, the Salisbury girl does have access to a kitchen but instead chooses to run exclusively on coffee from Black Medicine or a pint of Tenants from Southsider, which she forces herself to chug despite hating the taste. If you can’t find her in any of those places, you can find her in the smoking area of Liquid Room’s Indie Thursdays, trying to convince the guy next to her that Surrey is in fact part of London.

10. Is from London

And finally, what kind of reliable source would I be if I didn’t include my own fatal flaw? Just as bad as a Surrey girl convinced she’s from London is an Edinburgh Uni girl actually from London. She’ll mock your accent, complain that everything is small, refer to Edinburgh as a cute “village retreat” whilst getting her card out to pay £10 for a half pint of cider.

Every time a celebrity is mentioned, she will make it known that she has met them in an underground bar in Hackney. Every time the bus is late, she’ll remind you how great the London Underground is. Want her to shut up? Just ask her how the tap water tastes back home.

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