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Here’s what your Jesmond Tesco meal deal says about you

I’m looking at you, plain ham

Picture it: It’s 8pm on a Wednesday and you need to be four doubles deep and in the Soho queue in less than four hours. You haven’t even painted yourself green yet and cooking dinner is the last thing on your mind.

Enter Jesmond Tesco, the holy ground of lazy students. Browse the aisles, pick up a bottle of Echo Falls and a meal deal, and watch your problems disappear.

This doesn’t mean any meal deal goes, though. I’ve been personally victimised by rugby boys and their plain ham with no mayo sandwiches one too many times not to have gained a deep understanding of the kind of person you are based on your selection.

Staunch defenders of cold hard-boiled eggs, stop reading now. This is your vibe based on your meal deal main, side and drink.

Tomato pasta pot, white Kinder Bueno, Diet Coke

I won’t lie and say this isn’t an extremely basic selection – I can picture the exact buyer of this particular meal deal, and they’re wearing a skinny scarf and a pair of Toms Trunks. The Diet Coke gave you away straight away.

But it’s still respectable – anyone who can tolerate the rusty metal aftertaste of a Tesco pasta pot deserves recognition, and a white kinder bueno will always be elite.

Tuna and cucumber sandwich, hard-boiled eggs, Redbull

Nothing too crazy here, unless you value your sense of smell. It’s always the people with the smelliest meal deals who sit brazenly in the student union at 10am committing nasal warfare. In the words of our lord and saviour Katie Price: Phwoar, fishy x

Hoisin duck wrap, barbecue Pop chips, Innocent smoothie

You should be a business student with that kind of return on investment. The feeling of watching the astronomical total fade to a cool £3.50 with the tap of a Clubcard is unmatched, and every sip of that innocent smoothie is worth at least 50p in pure triumph. Barbecue pop chips are also SEVERELY underrated.

Chicken and bacon wrap, salt and vinegar Discos, iced latte

A meal deal after my own heart. Delicious wrap, crisps which just slightly disintegrate your tastebuds, and a dose of caffeine to get you through that “How To Use The Library” lecture you’ve been putting off for four weeks. Bliss.

Ham and cheese sandwich, pickled onion Monster Munch, Ribena

Sorry, I think a primary school child’s Ben 10 lunchbox has somehow ended up on my list because this is pure year six disco vibes. I can practically hear Year 3000 by Busted in the distance. Maybe consider a more mature choice – but don’t spend too much time thinking about it, save some brainpower for that seven times tables test you’ve got coming up x

Festive turkey feast sandwich, cranberry pork pies, Yazoo chocolate milkshake

November arrives and suddenly the most annoying person in your life is nattering on about festive bakes and Christmassy meal deals. Give it a rest.

Also, I take serious issue with the amount of cranberry which assaults my tastebuds every winter. Supermarkets: I beg, let me experience a delicious roast dinner in sandwich form without being forced to tolerate what is essentially gloopy jam. PLEASE.

Sausage, bacon and egg triple, steak McCoys, Coca-Cola

This one goes out to the wolf-whistling Stella Artois crowd. According to Tesco stats, this is the most popular meal deal in the UK and I truly couldn’t tell you why. Both the double meat sandwich and the alpha male McCoys give me major red flags – all that’s missing is a Yorkie to make this selection truly “not for girls.”

Cheese sandwich, ready-salted Walkers, Evian water