If Cambridge Colleges were on Love Island, this is who would couple up

Johns is obviously Destiny’s Chaldish newest member x


Love Island All Stars has begun and I don’t really use Twitter (or X, sorry Elon), so I will use The Tab Cambridge to argue exactly how a Love Island between the Cambridge colleges would go down. I love Love Island (ask my supervisor – I even wrote an essay about it), and I know Cambridge students are desperate and practically begging me to tell them if their college would be a head-turner, a heart-breaker, or a hero in Cambridge College Love Island.

The public pairings and the first few weeks

Homerton and Girton (and Trinity bombshell)

Initially, I think it’s fair to say the public would pair up Homerton and Girton. On the surface, it makes sense – they look pretty good together. However, I think this would end up being an Ikenna and Indiyah type situation where as time goes on both realise there is absolutely no sexual chemistry, the distance would never work, and they would probably be better off as friends. Homerton gives Girton one last chance to make more of an effort but Girton pulls the whole “I want to be the college that makes everyone a coffee in the morning” line.

Trinity would enter the villa as a bombshell (I’m thinking they rival the iconic Molly-Mae bombshell) for a shock recoupling, and steal Homerton from Girton.

Johns and Sidney Sussex (and every college)

This public pairing gets on well, and Johns says to Sidney Sussex that they are their dream college, but goes around telling the Villa that Sid Suss isn’t their ‘type on paper’. Edits of Johns into the infamous “Destiny’s Chaldish” quickly appear on Twitter and every other social platform. Johns pulls every college for a chat, changes their top three every conversation and pursues every bombshell, defending their actions by repeating “the games the game”. Eventually, they claim to have changed, pull a big apology stunt, and get Sid Suss back.

chaldish really x

Wolfson and Hughes Hall

Wolfson and Hughes Hall

Robinson and Lucy Cav (and Clare bombshell)

A little younger and a lot cooler, it seemed obvious to pair these guys up. However, Clare enters as a bombshell and instantly steals Robinson from Lucy Cav. Lucy Cav is absolutely distraught and refuses to be pulled for an apology chat by Robinson. Homerton offers to rap a little to lift the mood xx

Lucy Cav and St Catz (bombshell)

Lucy Cav is single after their dumping by Robinson but thankfully recouples with St Catz.

Trinity Hall and Peterhouse and Clare Hall (bombshell)

The public pair them together, but Peterhouse keeps emphasising they are ready to settle down and have five children which ultimately scares Tit Hall. Tit Hall gets the ick and becomes single for a bit until they couple up with Clare Hall. They are sweet together, but get dumped pretty early.

Selwyn and Christs

This duo keeps admitting they haven’t felt a “spark” but want to give it more time. It all gets a bit tense when Christs does not choose Selwyn in the blind kissing challenge and both wonder whether there is any connection between them. They end up getting dumped from the Island as the least compatible couple at the end of the first few weeks.

Magdelene and Newnham

Newnham is an instant fave in the Villa and is popular with the public, but viewers don’t love Magdelene and suspect they are playing a game. Time will tell…

Downing and Emma

Stay together and have no rocky periods really. A very, very solid couple, although their consistently low ranking does start to strain their relationship.

Casa Amour

Trinity (head turns), Homerton (loyal) and Queens (Casa College)

In a heartbreaking turn of events, Trinity would recouple with Queens, as Homerton stays loyal. Homerton would pull Trinity for a chat, where Trinity would explain to Homerton that they just didn’t feel a connection (despite dropping the L-bomb a day before Casa and packing their jumper in Homerton’s suitcase). It very much reminded viewers of Tanya and Shaq (season nine). Homerton would become single but cement its status as a public fave.

My winner x

Wolfson and Darwin (Casa college)

Wolfson would somehow make it all the way to Casa without a strong connection to anyone and would return with Darwin. Unfortunately, the public just wouldn’t be invested and they would promptly get dumped from the Island.

Robinson (head turns) and Clare (head turns)

Robinson went into Casa coupled up with Clare, and they will have been a favourite to win by this point. However, both Clare and Robinson would recouple and there would be an awkward standoff around the firepit. I can definitely see it becoming an Indiyah-Dami situation with some very quotable one-liners being thrown about. There would be a dramatic fall-out between them which makes viewers lose hope, until a preview for the next episode shows Robinson and Clare sneaking out to sleep on the daybeds together.

Lucy Cav (loyal) and St Catz (loyal)

This duo quickly becomes a public fave, and they are both very vocal at Movie Night. This duo loves to talk the truth, and are the only couple to call out Magdalene’s game-playing at Movie Night.

Downing (loyal) and Emma (loyal)

Downing and Emma would both stay loyal to each other in Casa but are constantly ranked in the bottom three by viewers. Tensions heighten when Downing’s heart rate gets raised the most by Queens in the Heart Rate Challenge.

Johns (loyal..ish) and Sidney Sussex (loyal)

Johns played two colleges in Casa but stayed loyal to Sid Suss at the last moment. Original. He’d ask Sid Suss to be exclusive, and then Movie Night would happen. Let’s just say Storm Anna and Hurricane Faye would have nothing on Sid Suss.

Magdelene (loyal), Newnham (head turn) and Medwards (Casa college)

Magdalene encouraged all the other colleges to turn their heads in Casa in a classic gameplayer move but stayed loyal. Newnham, however, reluctantly opened up to new colleges and formed a cute relationship with Medwards. When Magdalene came back single, they were absolutely fuming and their outburst received a lot of Ofcom complaints…

The final four…

Fourth place: Downing and Emma

Third place: Newnham and Medwards

Second place: Lucy Cav and St Catz

THE WINNERS OF CAMBRIDGE COLLEGE LOVE ISLAND 2024

DRUMROLL PLEASE……

ROBINSON AND CLARE

Image Credits: Sean Hicken via Flickr

They are fun, and cool, and everyone wants what they have. The “It Girl” colleges, if you will. They would be in hot demand when they enter the outside world and would have brands begging to work with them. A podcast would be set up IMMEDIATELY.

Petition to start college Love Island??