From vape breaks to scabies scares: Here are Exeter student’s worst hookup stories

Growling at your partner whilst doing the deed is definitely not anyone’s idea of dirty talk

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, it’s easy to focus on the cringey ‘love’ stuff that surrounds this month but let’s not forget about all the times when love hasn’t been found in Exeter. I am delving into the depths of your most disastrous romantic (if that’s what we’re calling it) encounters. Here’s a list of Exeter’s finest ‘how did I end up here?’ moments that will make you cringe more than seeing a couple confess their love to each other in Timepiece smoking area.

‘He vaped in my face mid-way through doing the deed’

Nothing says romantic ambiance quite like inhaling a lungful of kiwi-passionfruit-guava flavoured air mid shag. Perhaps he thought a smokey haze might add to the mood or maybe it’s simply time we normalise vape breaks during sexual activity?

‘I was kissing a guy in TP who burped in my mouth. I am now straight’

What is it with Exeter students and their tendency to release clouds of (badly) flavoured air into the faces of unsuspecting partners? It’s enough to make you question whether you’re in the midst of a drunken make-out session or participating in a bizarre game of ‘guess the VK flavour.’

‘He pooed on my floor’

This is not the sort of romantic gesture anyone hopes to be on the receiving end of. It’s safe to say that such an act doesn’t quite fit into any of the traditional love languages: Unless, of course, you believe this qualifies as an experimental form of ‘gift giving’ (gross). Let’s hope that, if there was a second date involved here (unlikely), the only things being subsequently exchanged were numbers and perhaps a bouquet of ‘sorry I sh*t on your floor’ flowers, not bodily functions.

‘They told me I didn’t look like my Instagram after sex’

This is the kind of brutally candid commentary no one asks for. Maybe save the critiques for a second date rather than the post coital debrief?

‘Started making my to-do list whilst in the act because I got bored’

The epitome of efficiency: Why waste an intimate and potentially romantic moment when you could be checking things off your agenda? Let’s just hope that ‘find slightly more engaging sexual partners’ made its way to the top of the list.

‘A guy gnawed on my lips (with teeth) until they were red and raw’

This guy clearly took the term ‘love bite’ a little too literally (or maybe he just had a really, really bad case of the post-night-out munchies). For this person’s sake, I hope that any of their future partners stick to less aggressive forms of affection and leave the gnawing to the beavers and other woodland creatures.

‘Went back to a second year’s house (whilst I was a fresher) and he growled at me during the act’

Perhaps this was his way of asserting his second-year dominance or maybe he spends too much time binge-watching David Attenborough documentaries. Either way, finding yourself in the midst of what feels like a scene straight out of the National Geographic channel is definitely not what anyone signs up for during a casual hook-up; it’s the kind of primal proclamation that leaves you questioning whether you’re in a second-year student house on Vic Street or a makeshift zoo enclosure. It’s hard to imagine anything less sexy than feeling like you’re auditioning for a role in Planet Earth instead of engaging in a one-night stand.

‘Went back to a guys house and he had had explosive diarrhoea and hadn’t flushed the toilet’

When anticipating a night of passion, stumbling upon someone’s post-Timepiece Effes aftermath may be enough to send an innocent one-night stand into a lifetime of therapy. Love may be many things, but it definitely shouldn’t smell like last night’s kebab.

‘He ghosted me then asked me if I had scabies symptoms two weeks later’

On the bright side, on the list of unwanted souvenirs a one-night stand can leave you with, we should be grateful that scabies doesn’t take the prize. That being said, no relationship, or even casual encounter, should be based on sporadic communication and unexpected dermatological inquiries.

‘I got internal bleeding’

This certainly puts a whole new spin on the meaning of ‘love hurts’, I guess.

So, if you’re feeling particularly single this February, let this be a reminder to you that sometimes the best love stories are the ones that never happened.

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