How to make a Bristol student fall in love with you: A step-by-step guide

Looking for love this Spring? Do not fear! Here is a foolproof guide to ensure you don’t spend it alone

With Valentine’s Day vibes still in the air, I’m sure many of you are busy fleecing the closest Tiger for the newest heart-shaped tat or booking up tables at Vittoria or Giuseppe’s (both very romantic spots if you’re looking for ideas). However, if you are part of the silent majority that hasn’t found their other half yet, then welcome, this is the article for you. Throughout this article, I will outline down to the finest detail what you need to do to get your course crush to go out with you.

Disclaimer: follow this advice at your own risk.

Stay away from sports quarter-zip wearers

I must preface this by saying that those that grace the luscious grass of Coombe Dingle each Wednesday are probably very nice, but do you really want your valentines kiss to be shared with the fragrance of Hugo’s piss scattered across Archibald’s lips?

This is not to say that they are bad kissers, but one must assess the pros and cons (and the hygiene) of the quarter zip wearing- gravity frequenting-urea fermenting breed of Bristol.

Develop a quirky hobby that makes you ‘different’

This could be something as easy and accessible as climbing or crochet, or you could push the boat out by developing an interest in Brazilian jazz on vinyl or restoring vintage leather satchels. Nothing sets you apart from a crowd that prides itself on being quirky than also being quirky. You want to make sure they can never look at a vinyl copy of The Girl from Ipanema again.

Give them a gift

Consider this a form of bait to hook your Carhartt-wearing, Fred Again-blasting Bristol dreamboat. You could buy them an organic avocado from the Cotham fruit and veg stand, or the special offer £15 pouch of baccy that you can only get from the off-license opposite White Bear.

However, if you really want to show how much you care about them, I suggest something a little more personal. Perhaps mixing their voice into one of your sets down at Basement 45, or a framed photo that you took of them on your film camera, a rare find down at St. Nick’s market where the vendor only charged you £70.

Wow them with your pick-up lines

At this point in your relationship, you are dangerously teetering on the edge of the ‘friendzone’. Do not fear, my selection of pick-up lines that I have carefully curated over my time at the University of Bristol will guarantee success in any romantic endeavour.

“Are you a u-card? ‘Cause you’re never there when I need you”

“Not even the la Rocca queue on a Friday night could keep us apart”

“If I was choosing the snack for my Sainsbury’s meal deal, I’d pick you”

“I wish I was the U1 so I could take you home every night”

“Are you chat gpt? ‘Cause I’d cheat with you”

“Are you the Epigram? Because you’re cheap and easy to throw around”

Use any of these and I am certain that your crush will be head over heels!

Take them on a date

By this point, if you have followed my advice correctly, you should be at a place with your UoB student where they are desperate for you to take them on a date – and lucky for you, I know the perfect spot.

For the textbook date location, you want it to be somewhere with an atmosphere, somewhere romantic with candlelight or somewhere with a fire burning gently in the hearth. Preferably somewhere you won’t run into anyone you know – there’s nothing worse than the perfect date being dampened by a group of rowdy, drunk students running up to you and sharing stories about ‘that time you puked on the top deck of the U1’ to your date. Imagine this – there’s a fire burning in front of you, the soft chatter of Bristol’s nightlife drifting up into the air, along with the distant heartbeats of music spilling out from surrounding bars. Your date turns to you – “So, where are you taking me?”

Just as you arrive at your desired location, Turbo Island, you pull out a blanket – “We’re already here”. It’s perfect! The soft glow of the fire reflects on your date’s face, just ignore the smell of burnt plastic. The constant song of police sirens, the thrill of the unexpected! Sparks will fly – and not just from the shopping trolley that’s been thrown in the fire.

A star-lit walk around the city

If your candle-lit picnic at Turbo Island is a success (I guarantee it will be), you and your date will be heading home, but not before taking a romantic, breathless walk up St. Michael’s Hill. There is nothing more attractive than having to drag your crush up one of the steepest hills in Bristol – the fumes from the Turbo Island fire have made them slightly lightheaded and have made walking up St. Mikes comparable to walking up Everest.

This is your chance to wow them with your heroism, and even more of an excuse to hold their hand as you guide your ascent home. Forget small talk, the hill that is inevitably faced at the end of the night will always be the greatest challenge on a first date.

The morning after

What a successful date! You wake up with the residual smell of bonfire in your hair and the lingering dew of sweat from your mount up the hills of Bristol. It is imperative by this point that you create a lasting impression on your date. The ball is now in their court in terms of asking you out on another date; however, I suggest sending a good morning text to let them know you are still interested. Don’t just send your run-off-the-mill “good morning, babe” text though.

To make sure your lover’s all-consuming thought is you, I advise sending Shakespeare’s famous love sonnet from his Romeo and Juliet or a voice memo of you mimicking a dove’s call, the bird of romance. I guarantee you this will set you apart from anyone else who may be pursuing your love interest.

Congratulations, if you have followed my advice correctly, you should now be part of the 57 per cent of people who find love at Bristol University. If not – oh well, maybe the small pool of fish the university has to offer is not the right one for you. That’s ok! Spend your nights dancing away with your friends or having a night in with a tub of ice cream watching The Notebook on repeat. Don’t worry, most people will have broken up by the summer anyway.

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