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Eight unrealistic New Year’s resolutions as a Manchester Uni student

Oh and Number 9: I will lay off the booze, just a bit


The year is now 2023 and we’re all still here (just about). It’s that time of year again which you convince yourself you will completely revolutionise your life. I’m talking only 70+ per cent in your essays and exams, a new workout routine which gives you the body of Bella Hadid or saving your entire student loan, investing it in crypto and becoming a millionaire.

New Year’s resolutions are usually unrealistic and to be fair to us, they should be – we’re students after all. I feel as though my maximum achievement some days is making it into the shower and watching 10 minutes of a lecture online. Somedays it’s being awake*.

But, there are some things as students we just cannot do, or give up (I’m looking at you Factory Monday). So, I have decided to compile the most unlikely things we will resolve as students in 2023.

*Fyi to any future employers, my extended family and anyone in my DM’s. This is satire, I am a completely functional and I already do all these things and more. I don’t even know what 256 is.

1. I will go to the gym

You got the membership to either The Armitage or The Gym in Freshers, convinced that this would be the year you benched 170kg or ran effortlessly on the treadmill. It wasn’t. It never is.

Living communally often has negative effects on you habits (I bet this is proven by stats somewhere). By this I mean when you’ve got the Sunday scaries and your housemate is watching Gossip Girl and eating last night’s Domino’s, you’re not going to want to leave the comfort of your home.

2. I won’t spend my entire student loan in Kej’s/ Krunchy’s/New Zealand Wines after a night out

Convinced it will magically give you the ability to rid of all the cheap vodka and tequila drank in 42s over the course of the night, it always seems like a great idea to get off the bus and secure a takeaway, or five packets of Galaxy counters on the “Fallowfield strip”.

Convinced it will magically give you the ability to rid of all the cheap vodka and tequila drank in 42s over the course of the night, it always seems like a great idea to get off the bus and secure a takeaway, or five packets of Galaxy counters on the “Fallowfield strip”.

2b) I will get a job to pay for my Kej’s/Krunchy’s/New Zealand Wines/ Elf Bar addiction

Horror. Late nights. No time to party. At least I can keep up with the rent crisis.

3. I will do a food shop instead of using Uber Eats

As much effort as it is to cook chicken and rice, ordering food for £30 isn’t going to solve all your problems. By problems I mean ones self-created, such as the avoidance of the washing machine or the fact there is life form growing in your shower.

We all need to get the pots, pans and oven trays out this year, and delete Uber Eats. It’s not easy, but when the delivery man knows you and your extended family by name and asks how the kids are- have you taken it too far?

On the note of food shops though- don’t go to Fallow Sainsbury’s. Widely debated for years is if it’s the most expensive Sainsbury’s in the country- the answer is probably yes seeing as a tin of tomato soup is £1.50 ish. Get down to Lidl, Aldi, order your Asda shop online. But stand in solidarity and avoid Fallow Sainsbury’s.

4. I won’t leave all my essays until the night before

A personal favourite toxic trait. Feeling invincible until the night before. If you see me crying in Blue 2 mind your business.

5. I will give up elfing

This one is for all the serial-vapers. I feel like new year is a good time to quit as the student loan hasn’t dropped and they cost £6 a pop. Buying an Elf Bar or eating might be the only choice you have.

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6. I won’t go to 256 every week

Blatant lie number one.

One of my favourite events of the week is a trip to 256. Personal favourite nights include Boogie Bingo and 256 Tuesday. The event of pre-pres and texting all your mates “Going 256???” is singularly combating seasonal depression in January.

You shouldn’t just go every week, but multiple times per week, every week.

7. I will stop annoying my housemates

This is another blatant lie. 85 per cent of serotonin as a student comes from being the most irritating person in the house.

Knocking on their door, sitting on their bed or sliding toast under their door, it improves my mood and is probably one of the reasons all my essays get left to the night before.

8. I will stop texting my situationship from first year

If this is my mum reading, stop here.

Is this one niche? I really hope not. As per usual, the less that I say here the better. For the sake of self care, I will stop texting this person and living my first year, Oak House, single bed fantasies. After all, how will I get Paul Mescal’s attention if I’m caught up in this.

We’ve all been here let’s not lie, embarrassing ourselves at 4am by sending the “you up?” or “do you wanna come stay at mine x” text. But if you are up, let me know… (for legal reasons I got this photo off my housemate).

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Seven things at Manchester Uni that would send a Victorian child into a coma

• I worked a 12-hour Squirrel’s shift and this is how it went