This is what the Liverpool student pubs and bars would be as IKEA products

Is Baa Bar more Djungelskog or Billy bookcase?

Everyone is back in Liverpool! Now that exams are over, deadlines have elapsed and classes have restarted, the gang is all back together with little to worry about in the university department. So, what better time to hit the town?

As a staple of the student house, Ikea has found its way into our lives in every sense of the word. With its wealth of Scandinavian goodness from cheap MDF to meatballs, it’s impossible to not love the blue warehouse of dreams that we call Ikea. So, there’s no better way to honour the night than by comparing Liverpool nightlife to Ikea furniture.

Yes, this cursed mix is ready to be revealed here are Liverpool bars as Ikea products.

Lime Kiln & Malm

Like the Malm, the Lime Kiln is a staple. It’s a bit of a classic.

It’s reliable and does what it says on the tin, even if a drawer falls out of place every now and then. From dusk until dawn, the Lime Kiln and the Malm serve a purpose. Everyone is at least a little bit thankful for their existence, what would life be like without a chest of drawers or Spoons?

The Font & Renberget

Just like Ikea’s staple (faux) leather desk chair, The Font is an essential pub for students in Liverpool. It’s unpretentiously reliable and it fits the bill. It feels like a step up from the likes of Spoons, but it’s not feral enough to give you crippling spinal problems.

The Sphinx & Linnmon

The Sphinx is very much like this Ikea table. Do you know why? They are both very functional. They both provide a backbone to your day. In the same way that you spend a lot of time on campus, you also spend an excruciating amount of time at this desk. Everyone has been in contact with the Linnmon table before, just like how everyone has experienced at least one pint at the Sphinx. On top of all this, it’s decent value for money. It does the job for a good price.

The Scholar & Glostad

This sofa looks comfortable enough. It’s a great base for conversation or something a little wilder. The Scholar is often a landing base for societies, ‘the boys’ or sports teams. This sofa, like the Scholar, gives a good structure to a room in the same way that The Scholar gives a great opportunity to get a little wobbly The sofa is no frills, just like The Scholar it’s literally just a bar underneath a student accom with incredibly bright lighting. Hmm.

McCooley’s & Billy

Ok, the Billy bookcase goes hand in hand with Ikea in the same way that McCooley’s goes hand in hand with a mid-week boogie in town. I’m probably right in assuming that you had a Billy bookcase filled with CDs and DVDs in the 2000s. Well, in the same vein, we’ve all been to McCooley’s on a night out in Freshers’ Week. However, just like a Billy bookcase, you never know what you’re going to get — maybe a faulty shelf, or a collapsing tower of chipboard. A night in McCooley’s feels all too similar. 

Popworld & Loberget

No one has ever been comfortable here. This is never someone’s first bet. 

Just like the IKEA staple, Pop World is probably one of the more retro choices, that goes for both the music and the age of people in there. Many a times will you spot Jenny, aged 37 spilling her vodka cran all over the floor.

La’Go & Sinnerlig

This is the fun little fascinator you have in the corner of your room. Sometimes someone asks a question about it and voila, the conversation is ignited. La’Go is the same. I mean, it’s not a lamp, but it is in the corner. Instead, La’Go is the perfect night-out-opener. It’s where the lines between civilised and feral begin to be blurred, but it’s a guaranteed good time. Like the Sinnerlig lamp, La’Go is only much use at night time, but it’ll light up any good night.

The Merchant & Blåhaj

A stuffed metre-long shark may not feel like the natural choice for the Merchant. However, this is all about ‘the vibe’. Blåhaj, like The Merchant, is made for people from the age of 18 through 28 with a Twitter account. The Merchant often gets overshadowed by the more popular bars in this part of town, just like how Blåhaj is often eclipsed by the loveable Djungelskog, but it has a cult following and dedicated support base. Regardless, it feels like a warm hug.

Einstein & Råskog

I mean, they’re both on multiple floors (I guess). However, what I’m trying to get at is that they both serve a very specific function. They are useful in the kitchen (the night out), but during the day, they serve little purpose. I have only heard of people going to Einstein at night, to bask in their enormous outdoor deck/smoking area and their big screens showing music channels in all their glory. Also, the Råskog is a little rough and ready with its metal frame, just like how Einstein tries to run with the industrial Berlin bierhaus vibe.

Pogue Mahone & Landskrona

Ok, pubs being sofas makes sense. However, Pogue Mahone screams Landskrona. This sofa may appeal to the older demographic a little more than students (I don’t mean 80+, I mean 25+), but it’s still comfortable and functional. In the way that this sofa is more defined and textured, Pogue Mahone has a warm and cosy vibe with a nice interior. Although it may seem a little too ‘old man-y’, it is a wonderful place to sip on a couple of brews — to be honest, it’s a little bit more civilised than the others on this list.