An official guide to every type of couple you’ll find at Warwick Uni this Valentine’s Day

If you’re single and not very ready to mingle, then this time of year is gonna be a nightmare for you. It’s Valentine’s season, after all. Warwick couples will be holding hands in the library, making out in the FAB and going out for dates in TBar (I’m a TBar stan). And you? You’ll be stuck at home, twiddling your thumbs, trying to convince yourself that being lonely is actually kinda fun and not that bad. And on behalf of all the Warwick students in a relationship like myself, hahahaha. Jokes on you. We’re not sorry. And we’re also not ashamed to admit that we’re all bound to fit into one of these categories below.

Seminar Sweethearts

these are my notes from every seminar a couple makes eye contact in

We all know who we mean. That one lovey-dovey couple who give each other googly eyes and hold hands during seminars. I’m sick of it – the last thing I need to deal with when I’ve just rocked up to a seminar haf an hour late with zero notes is to watch two people make out (academically) in front of me. We get it, everyone loves the academic rivals to lovers trope. It’s giving Jake and Amy from B99, kind of. But seriously, can we please tone it down? It’s 9am and I have an essay to cry about.

That one long distance couple

nothing more romantic than a really, really long walk

And by long distance, I mean from Westwood to Arthur Vick. Practically another time zone, I know. But, don’t underestimate a couple who’ll travel miles to see each other every day – their love is so strong and determined that they WILL trek from opposite ends of campus despite the time changes, ferries and battlefields that lie between them. Shoutout to couples in different countries too, I guess. I’m just saying – I’ve been here before. Try walking back to central campus from Westwood at absurd hours. It’s dangerous.

The Inseparables

These guys are stuck together. Literally. I mean, like, you’d have to physically peel them off each other if you want any hope of talking to either half individually. I know you’re reading this, imagining a couple who’s exactly like this – I’m thinking it too. Whether it’s in the FAB, DCS or Lord Bhattycharya building, these guys are conjoined and insufferable. No shade though – it can be kinda cute. Most of the haters are just jealous, what more can I say?

Library Lovers

silent studying only please

These guys are stuck together. Literally. I mean, like, you’d have to physically peel them off each other if you want any hope of talking to either half individually. I know you’re reading this, imagining a couple who’s exactly like this – I’m thinking it too. Whether it’s in the FAB, DCS or Lord Bhattycharya building, these guys are conjoined and insufferable. No shade though – it can be kinda cute. Most of the haters are just jealous, what more can I say?

Library Lovers

silent studying only please

C’mon now. At your big age? Warwick is a campus well known for its festering scene of bubbling romances that always seem to lead to the dreaded grey area of situationships. What are we? Who are we? Are we friends or something more? I feel like this is just an awkward phase to be in. If this is you, grow up already. Ask them out. Or, fix yourself up and realise that there are emotional consequences to your actions. Bet you never thought you’d get relationship advice from The Warwick Tab, right? Well, we’re a very serious publication.

Flatcesters who insist they’re making the right choice

We all know these people. Ooh, we’re different! Flatcest is fine! I’m making the right choice! No, you’re not. And even if you are, we really don’t wanna hear it. I mean it. The walls are thin. We’re tired, and you’re not exactly helping us get to sleep either. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a succesful and prosperous flatcest couple make it. And for every one of you that does, there’s like a whole crowd of failed flatcest stories that haunt the halls from Tocil all the way to Lakeside.

Pop Pleasers

Warwick students be like ‘I know a place’ and it’s Pop

There’s also some couples who think an ideal date night is at Pop. That’s right – you read that correctly. If you’re a grown up couple at a grown up university, please tell me why you’re still whisking your girl away to dance with Disco Dave. Especially now we’ve got Valentine’s Day falling on a Wednesday, it’s bound to be a club nightmare. Can you really imagine a romantic setting where all the guys take off their shirts during Baywatch? If that’s your thing, I don’t know what to say.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Here are nine Warwick-themed Valentine’s Day cards you need to send ASAP

• We’re back! Here are six more of Leamington Spa’s best dinner date spots