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Every 2023 Love Islander as what British chain restaurant they undeniably are

Ron is Wagamamas because no one can decide if he’s good or not

As winter Love Island approaches the end of its very long slog, we’ve all reached a point of slight delirium. And, as such, it’s time to start ranking this year’s Islanders as completely unnecessary niche topics. Because, well, it’s just fun isn’t it. On today’s agenda, is iconic British chain restaurants and, last summer, we dubbed Ekin Su as TGI Friday’s. So, expect this to be unhinged.

Samie – Turtle Bay

You just know Samie loves a 2-4-1 happy hour cocktail. Rum punch, strawberry daiquiri, mojitos, pornstar martinis— one of everything please. Just like Turtle Bay, Samie is sweet, upbeat, and fun with the capacity to have a huge bust up outside after someone in the group has too many mojitos.

Kai – Greggs

He might seem a bit bland but really he’s the nation’s favourite.

Olivia – Côte Brasserie

Credit: Instagram (@livhawkinss)

Olivia has always had a slight are of ostentatiousness (it’s the Olivia Bentley knock-off accent) that ultimately doesn’t align with her overall aura. Côte Brasserie is much the same. Pretends to be French but was started by three British men from Richmond. Plus, they’re both a bit too salty.

Ron – Wagamamas

Wagamamas and Ron are up there with the most contentious options on this list. Do I love Katsu curry or could I have made it at home? Does Ron love Lana or is she still just another option? Dilemmas. Disappointment. Dire confusion.

Jessie – Itsu

Jessie simply has the health is wealth energy of getting an Itsu salmon selection instead of a meal deal for lunch. Very fitness girly just out of spin class and looking for a snack vibes.

Lana – McDonald’s

A bit basic but everybody loves them. Of course Lana is McDonald’s. Cheerful, unproblematic, does what you’d always expect. No spice. No surprises. Everyone leaves happy.

Sanam – Pret

Much like Pret, Sanam’s a little bit boujee, outrageously popular, and did her job as a bombshell faster than a barista making Americanos in rush hour. On her lunch break, I can see Sanam ordering a Lebanese butternut squash salad wrap and one of those cold pressed juices. Maybe some choccy almonds on the side.

Tom – Burger King

Tom has all the hunky delicious energy of Burger King. This isn’t just a burger, it’s a burger cooked in FLAMES. Sensitive enough to also offer the most extensive vegan menu of any fast food restaurant, though x

Claudia – Bill’s

Like Bills, Claudia is a good time with a straightforward style. All of the fun of a free bottle of Prosecco on your birthday with the slightly nepo baby energy of vegan watermelon Santorini salad.

Tanya – Starbucks

After weeks of listening to her elated shrieks, I’m getting the vibe Tanya could happily survive on nothing but an IV drip of caffeine and sugar. We’re talking a Java Chip Frappuccino and an Ice Lemon Pound cake from Starbucks level of energy. Maybe a Mango Dragonfruit cooler in the sunshine.

Casey – Carluccio’s

Like Carluccio’s post-Covid closures, Casey thought he was prestige until his business collapsed.

Shaq – Five Guys

You can so imagine Shaq in Five Guys with his bacon cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake after a long shift at Gatwick. Like the chain itself, Shaq has the tendency to think he’s a little bit better than everyone else. Their chips are good though. And most of the time he has a point.

Will – TGI Friday’s

Simply put, much like TGI Friday’s, Will is pure chaos. He’d be in a balloon hat, dancing on the tables, singing happy birthday, with BBQ sauce round his mouth and his foot in a toddler’s milkshake. Unfiltered mania.